Wrestling Commentary News (Page 2)

By Pete Ellis

Okay, let's all take a deep breath, slow things down for a minute, drop back to reality and review this week a little.

First of all, Mr. Kennedy got hurt. He tore his arm muscle, and originally thought he'd be out of wrestling for six months or more. Solution? Let's have him hold on to his Money in the Bank until Wrestlemania 24 and give him time to heal.

Perfect!

Now, what actually happened: Let's hand the Money in the Bank over to Edge on a whim and relive what Edge did in 2006. Not so perfect: WTF?

Now, we come to find out Kennedy isn't hurt that bad. Too late. Money in the Bank has been cashed in. So I guess that ladder match that we had to hear about for weeks didn't mean so much after all.

Next on the agenda:

FINALLY, a reason to watch Smackdown: Batista vs. The Undertaker. This was a great match at Wrestlemania, and now we give you two HUGE rematches both designed to present a clear winner. Problem: we give you two bullsh!t endings and nothing gets settled... WTF?

PLOT TWIST: Mark Henry comes back and Edge beats the Undertaker... WTF?

Meanwhile, back on ECW, Vince is gearing up for the same match they gave us at Backlash. What do we call this? Back-relash? Or Rebacklash? BackLashley?

So Edge is now the World Champion on Smackdown, John Cena is fighting the Great Khali, Kennedy is still hurt, and nothing is anything like what it was a month ago. Don't blink this week, or you might miss another set of drastic changes....

Stay tuned.

By Pete Ellis

I have decided that John Cena is the best pro wrestler of his generation.

Calm down. I know it's the kind of call a 16-year-old little girl makes when her father is hooked on WWE. But, seriously, let's look at the facts. In this modern era of short title runs and inconsistent story lines, there has been one unwavering force in wrestling: John Cena.

Yes, kids, that same little white rapper who, only a few short years ago, was wearing orange wrestling trunks and spouting off lines about ruthless aggression, has compiled the most impressive half-decade in WWE history. To wit:

- He's won an elimination chamber match, an I Quit match with JBL, and last man standing against Umaga.
- He gave the FU to the following: Viscera, Umaga, Big Show, Undertaker, and (soon to be added) The Great Khali.
- Cena made the following tap out: BOTH Triple H and Shawn Michales of DX, Chris Benoit, Edge, and JBL.
- Sent packing: Chris Jericho, Kurt Angle, and John Bradshaw Layfield.
- How about winning the main event match at Wrestlemania the last three years in a row?

Think about that.

Stone Cold never did that. Neither did The Rock or The Undertaker. The ONLY Wrestler to do that was... (drum roll please): Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania I, II, and III. That was quite a while ago, and in a very different era.

The only guy who has had any success fighting Cena is Edge, who took his title twice - once by cashing in Money in the Bank after Cena beat six other guys, and the other time by pinning RVD in a three-way fight. Cena responded both times by beating Edge convincingly in rematches.

John Cena is starting to run out of qualified opponents. He's entertaining on the microphone, he's been in his own movie, and his merchandise sells like homeowner's insurance in Florida. They redesigned the title belt for him, and his moniker is "The Champ," yet somehow I'm not sick of him yet.

Now that I've written this, he'll probably get beaten this week. But in the meantime, Cena has provided us with an unstoppable and controversial figure that you love, or love to hate.

It's been almost entirely success for John for years now, and I think it's about time we took a moment to appreciate how rare that is in this day and age of monthly pay-per-views and on-demand entertainment. So go get um' Johnny, and don't come home without that stupid spinning belt.

Peace out.

By Pete Ellis

Every now and again, someone ends up leaving WWE for one reason or another. For ages, WCW made itself competitive by overbuying old WWF athletes' contracts for more than they were worth (something like what the New York Yankees do every year).

Since WCW's demise, we haven't seen quite so much of it. The Dudley Boys heading over to TNA was a bit of a blow, but the real pain came when Kurt Angle decided he'd had enough of being less then front page material.

Even in his parting, Jim Ross mentioned how he wanted to see Kurt back in the WWE, "where he belongs," as soon as possible. Each week I read rumors about Kurt's possible return, but until I see it for myself I will mourn his departure to what I believe is an inferior company.

I know TNA has accomplished a lot, and I give them credit for certain bits of innovation. Guys like Christian, Samoa Joe and such can really put on a show, but I still get more bang for my cable buck, week in and week out, from World Wrestling Entertainment.

The reason the loss of Angle sticks out so much in my mind is that he embodies so many traits that make a sports entertainer truly great. He's beyond gifted physically. He's hard working, with a sense of timing in the ring that makes every moment he wrestles a main-event moment. Plus, he seems to try something new every time we see him, with either company.

Every time someone on WWE prepares for a "big surprise" or an "important announcement," I find myself uncontrollably hoping to see that ugly bald head and hear that stupid trumpet music one more time.

I don't think people truly appreciate how difficult it must have been to make the transition from Olympic wrestler to professional. Name the top 10 wrestlers of all time; how about the top 50, or the top 100. How many were successful amateur wrestlers? Or Olympians? One: Kurt Angle.

Sylvester Turkey didn't make it, Brock Lesnar couldn't handle it, and most others never get a chance. Almost none of the things that make an amateur wrestler great are the same things you look for in a pro.

Think about it. Kurt Angle didn't become a WWE star because of his amateur background. He did it despite it. Come back soon Kurt, we miss you.

By Pete Ellis

On Friday, I sat down to my usual dose of Smackdown and found myself taken completely by surprise.

No, it wasn't a new wrestler. No, it wasn't a new storyline. My surprise came in the form of actually looking forward to color commentary for the night. Later, I picked up tickets for a live WWE event and found myself disappointed that I would miss John Bradshaw Layfield's commentary of the event.

The truth hit me like a clothesline from hell. JBL is the funniest guy on the WWE. This week's commentary highlight came in the form of watching Teddy Long make out with Krystal and JBL's ensuing commentary: "I AM GONNA PUKE, he's supposed to be running this show and instead..."

I will always admire Jim Ross for his passion for wrestling and his country charm, but I feel that people like JBL are the future of color commentary - not only for wrestling but for sporting events in general.

He's the kind of color man who is his own form of entertainment beyond the show; always ready to pick on the play by play man, always with a good story or two ready, and always confident and loud... even when he has no idea what he's talking about.

I remember rooting against JBL as he battled people like Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit. But looking back on his career, I am forced to smile as I remember a cowering JBL throwing in the towel BEFORE John Cena had a chance to make use of a large metal pipe.

Not to mention a proud JBL who rode a white horse into a crowded arena with an American flag draped over his shoulders as he sported his newly-won WWE Championship - a sight more comedic than detestable, more enjoyable then aggravating.

John Bradshaw Layfield is a true entertainer, and with a little research I discovered that he has been a part of some of the greatest ideas in the history of sports entertainment. That includes his work with Tribute to the Troops and some of our modern match formats.

From his days with the Acolytes to his time spent with Jillian Hall at his side, JBL has managed to construct a successful career with more then a few title reigns and some very memorable moments.

So here's a drink for you, Bradshaw. From deep in the heart of Texas to the concrete jungle of New York City, from Bull Rope matches to trading stocks online, don't hold back from your broadcast position and keep the fresh ideas coming!

Oh, and try not to let Michael Cole talk so much next week.

By Pete Ellis

So what makes the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment tick? For that matter, what makes him up? Or rather, who?

I did my senior thesis on Vince McMahon (seriously, I did) and learned a lot about our favorite sports entertainment magnate. He has quite a resume of jobs that stand as the building blocks of his position within the WWE.

Vince is an actor, a bodybuilder, a hero, a villain, a father, a husband, a suger daddy, a genius, a fool, a ruthless employer, a tycoon, and a clown. He expresses the best and worst of all human traits for our entertainment, and it's always worth a moment of time to stop and take a look.

If Vince McMahon were to die tomorrow - like if he accidentally walked into a church and burst into flames - and it was up to me to rebuild him from the DNA up, this is the genetic formula I would use to do it:

• 10% P.T. Barnum. The circus entrepreneur made even the smallest parts of his show important and had a knack for surprises.
• 10% Arnold Schwarzenegger. Old muscles and new politics.
• 10% C. Montgomery Burns. The diabolical Simpsons villain brings his "no limits" approach to business and his flair for making greed is comically fashionable.
• 10% Cobra Commander. That venomous voice hissing "you're fired!" and the iron fist of a ruthless tyrant cannot be overlooked. Not to mention a little bit of madness.
• 10% Hulk Hogan. Laugh if you will, there are more similarities here then you might realize. The build, the approach to his professional life, and the absolute megalomania. Perhaps Vince McMahon "the character" has more in common with the "real life" Hogan then vice versa.
• 10% Dr. Frankenstein. I can just see Vince pulling the sheet off of his latest wrestling character creation while machines in the background roll out t-shirts by the truckload. "IT'S ALIVE!!!"
• 10% George Steinbrenner. Some people say true accomplishment comes more in the exploitation of others then in inspiration. Steinbrenner made a career out of standing on the shoulders of others to reach his lofty goals. So did Vince.
• 10% Vince McMahon, Sr. His passion for the wrestling business must have had a profound effect on his son. You would have to truly love wrestling to immerse yourself in it the way that Vince McMahon, Jr., does.
• 10% Donald Trump. No, not for the hair. The Donald is one of the hardest working men in any industry. Take away the TV shows, the goofy interviews and the comb-over and you'll find a man who worked hard enough to bounce back from bankruptcy and become a billionaire... three times over.
• 10% Walt Disney. Disney is seen in the business world as a visionary. Most people who can imagine the future they want to see and have the resources to make it happen end up being seen as visionaries.

It's not luck that Vince McMahon made the WWE as big as it has become. He pays attention to the changing times and the trends in society and adjusts accordingly. Success follows shortly thereafter.

By Pete Ellis

Wrestlemania was pretty great. Lots of quality wrestling and its usual over-the-top drama. But somehow I was expecting a few more surprises along the way. Sunday night at midnight, I found myself looking forward to the normal blockbuster Monday Night RAW less than 24 hours away.

The first TV show after Wrestlemania is almost always filled with big announcements and surprises. This latest RAW forced me to say "almost" always.

We had a rematch of Lashley and Umaga and the disintegration of the Tag champs. While I'm happy for Matt and Jeff Hardy, I couldn't help but notice that the only big surprise was the fact that the show ended without giving me anything to look forward to.

No draft lottery?

No new wrestlers?

No huge announcements?

The news isn't all bad, of course. I have been looking forward to Randy Orton vs. John Cena for a long time, so I'm going to be pulling for Orton in the future. Plus, this week's ECW ended with a hardcore match that brought back a glimpse of the old days of extreme. Very well done, gentlemen.

Still, I am going to sit here and hold my breath until the WWE makes a big announcement on one of its shows. And if they make me wait too long, they'll have my brain damage on their conscience. So there.

By Pete Ellis

I know what you're thinking. Here sits another self-indulgent sports entertainment journalist shoving his two cents down our throats. JUST WHAT WE NEED!

But listen, kids. I tried - I really tried - not to write some predictable, pedantic, self-indulgent, half-baked, plagiarized, zero-hour rant about how great Wrestlemania is.

There's just no denying it, though. This is the best of pro wrestling, and the WWE has managed to assemble a card I can't help getting pumped about. Even a cynic like me has to appreciate this lineup.

The Good:

• John Cena/Shawn Michaels
• The biggest "money in the bank" match ever
• JR and Jerry Lawler in the hall of fame
• Lashley/Umaga, expecting huge surprises
• Looking forward to the first WWE RAW afterwards: the end of a chapter, the beginning of a new one

The Bad:

• Metal hooks that won't get used
• WWE Divas who aren't ready to wrestle
• Injuries, guys who need some time off
• Every old fart being described as "hardcore before there was hardcore"

The Ugly:

• Improvisational endings
• Bald billionaires
• Guest celebrities
• The Great Khali

Things to Have:

• A decent TV and a reliable cable hook-up
• Four hours worth of beer, soda, pizza, and assorted junk food
• Neighbors who can stand a little ruckus between 7-11 p.m. on a Sunday night
• An understanding girlfriend

Things to Remember:

• Ordering the event usually entitles you to a second viewing at midnight. If you missed it the first time, it's probably worth watching again.
• Girls come and girls go, but you'll never forgive yourself if you miss the main event. If she truly loves you, she'll go away while the pay per view is on.
• Winning 20 bucks off of your best friend for an underdog pick is reason enough to run naked through the front yard. Anyone worth a crap will know "what all that damn noise is"

Things to expect:

• Victory from Cena, Randy Orton, and The Undertaker
• Cheating from Vince
• Jim Ross getting hoarse
• Having a damn good time

Look for my next article the week after Wrestlemania; we'll have a little mock draft just in case Vince gets any crazy ideas. Until then, thanks for reading, and enjoy the show!

By Pete Ellis

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we may diet?

Ever wonder what some of your favorite pro wrestlers eat? I did, and the results are interesting, if not quite what I expected.

My research indicates that most of these athletes eat a fairly standard diet, which means a lot of the same foods and portions over and over. I would expect that to get boring, but it has an impact on how the body processes food.

One training regimen suggests eating the same three meals every day will encourage your digestive system into a design of "expectation," meaning your stomach will eventually know what's coming and your system will make more efficient use of the food.

A different program says that if the meals don't include enough variety, you might develop allergies to the foods you eat most often.

One plan outlined in California suggests four egg whites and Tabasco first thing in the morning to give your insides a wake-up call. This program recommends you follow that up with meat and salad at lunch, then non-fried poultry for dinner everyday.

Looking for specifics?

Chris Benoit claims that baked or grilled chicken is always the main food for almost every professional wrestler. High protein, low fat, low carb, and quite versatile. You cat eat chicken with everything from a honey glaze to wasabi.

Green vegetables seem to be the next most common component. Anyone remember the Warlord? He was once in a tag team called The Powers of Pain along with The Barbarian. A pair of real muscle heads, but pretty good wrestlers and an old magazine article points to their passion for shark steaks as a main protein source.

Meanwhile, former WWE women's champion Trish Stratus (pictured, because she's hot) outlines her diet with very simple foods: Tuna, skinless chicken, and everyone's favorite... protein shakes.

I suppose it really makes a difference what kind of results you are trying to achieve. The late, great Yokozuna was once suspected of eating close to 20 pounds of fish and rice in one sitting.

That may not sound like much for a person who weighed over 500 pounds, but if you wanna find out what a meal like that is, like try this formula:

500/20 = 25. Yoko ate 1/25 of his body weight. If you weigh 200 pounds, you'd have to eat eight pounds of food to match it. That's 32 hamburgers from McDonalds, or eight of those lard ass-man frozen dinners that boast a pound of food per box.

Give your mom a call when you get past the first four so she can call the hospital and get your stomach pumped... pansy.

By Pete Ellis

Do you hear that? That, friends, is the sound of the biggest pay per view of the year rolling our way. Wrestlemania 23 is right around the corner, and with an event like this, it's worth taking a moment to size up the matches.

Every year, the WWE does a pretty damn good job of building a worthy set of matches. But it's important to know when you're looking at quality athletic performances and when to go use the can.

Let's start at the top. I expect the Cena/Michaels title match to be one of the best of the night. John Cena likes the captain furious approach to matches, but he's a genuine performance machine with speed and energy to burn. To Shawn Michaels, a main event match at the big dance is like old times again. Barring injuies, this match may even exceed its own hype.

I'm not quite so excited about Batista and The Undertaker. The 'Taker can make a match work with almost anyone, especially other big performers. But The Animal is a different athlete every night of the week. He's big and impressive, but the version of Batista who fought Big Show on ECW and had a cage match with Mark Henry isn't worth a Wrestlemania main event.

You'll be watching long entrances and 10 minuets of chin locks in this one.

This year's Money in the Bank Ladder Match could be the contest of the night. My opinion is that Chris Benoit should have been a part of it, but it will still steal the show with almost all the right participants and some extrordinary stunts.

If you're the betting type, I like Randy Orton's chances.

Everyone likes the idea of Kane and Great Khali, but those of you who have read my previous posts know how I feel about putting two knuckle-dragging mouth breathers in the same ring at the same time. Kane is a decent athlete, but he's at his best when he's tossing around a rag doll like Davari rather then trying to trade blows with someone slower then himself.

Anyone remember the last Kane vs. Big Show match? Nope. There's a reason for that.

Lashley and Umaga will put together a very good match. Brock Lesnar was the best thing to ever happen to the Big Show's career. Show finally had someone who could use real moves against him. That same principle will apply here. Umaga is going to find himself on the wrong end of a long verticle suplex, and I am not going to miss it.

My biggest fear with this contest is that Steve Austin, Vince McMahon and Donald Trump are going to take too much away from a great performance. Not that I'll mind seeing someone get a hair cut. Any chance we'll get a special appearance from Brutis "The Barber" Beefcake?

As for the women's title match: go get a beer and get back in time to enjoy the boobs, you won't miss much else.

Benoit and MVP: I think this bout with answer some of my questions about how good MVP really is. I like the matchup and I expect Benoit to deliver his usual solid performance.

The ECW new breed faces off with the ECW originals in an eight-man tag team match that has a lot of potential, but some of these guys are clearly filler. I'm sure some nut is going to egg my car for saying this, but The Sandman is a waste of time.

I'm not too keen on Marcus Cor Von yet either. Give me plenty of offense from RVD and Sabu and some smack talkin' from Elijah and we'll have a good time. I'm also looking for a little backstabbing in this one.

Keep one eye open.

By Pete Ellis

Every year at Wrestlemania, we find our program decorated with famous folks from all walks of life, not just the world of WWE. B-list figures from Hollywood, music and sports alike grace us with cameos and bell-ringing honers from start to finish.

With that in mind, I would like to provide my loyal readers with a little brain candy I like to call...

THE TOP 10 CELEBS THAT THE WWE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN

10. Evel Knievel - The legendary stunt man's themes could include jumping 10 WWE Divas on his motorcycle!

9. Frank Gore - 49ers halfback provides the look, and an obvious finishing move, perfect for a main event match.

8. Don King - Is the show big enough for two diabolical greed monsters?

7. David Letterman - How much verbal abuse is too much for Kane? Let's find out!

6. Anna Nicole Smith - Wait, no one's gonna believe that story line.

5. Howard Stern - Return of the Fartman?

4. Henry Rollins - Angry muscle-head with a political agenda a mile long? I smell ratings!

3. Yao Ming - Dennis Rodman blazed the trail for basketballers in pro wrestling. Now we can have Ming vs. Great Khali in the biggest ladder match ever!

2. Britney Spears - Hair vs. Hair match against... oh, right, never mind.

1. Jack Black - This one was too easy to pass up. Jack embodies the most mediocre aspects of athletics, music and acting.

How is he not already signed!?