The following report is courtesy of lordsofpain.net...
We begin rather abruptly, as McMahon is back, his gray hair shining, as Jonathan Coachman approaches him and tells him how he's glad the boss is back. VKM wants all superstars under contract in the ring when they go live. Tonight, VKM decides to exercise his freedom of expression, as is his right as a citizen of the United States.
All Superstars, including WWE Divas, Jobbers, and Champions make their way to the ring. (John Cena and Randy Orton aren't anywhere to be seen). "No Chance" starts, and Vince arrives at the ramp, doing the all familiar power strut. Vince says he has a lot to say tonight, but he won't mince words. We should begin where we left off when he was "blown to smithereens." A clip plays reviewing that incident, two months ago. Vince says that's how he wants to go out, in a blaze of glory, and it almost happened. He says he did it because he needed to know whether or not the people really cared about him, because he's a sensitive human being, and needs positive reinforcement. He said he was overwhelmed by the support. A "What" chant breaks out. Vince says he will address the United States Congress tonight, as well as the hypocracy of the news media, his immediate family, and all of the wrestlers.
Coach then comes out as Vince begins to speak to the wrestlers. Vince calls Coach out for being late. Vince says in a moment, the bell will ring, and we're going to have an old fashioned Battle Royale. The winner of the Battle Royale will become the new General Manager of Raw!
Battle Royale to determine the new GM of Raw
The battle starts off as the WWE Divas get out of town quickly. Trevor Murdoch, Super Crazy, Robbie, and Paul London get eliminated, followed by JTG. Booker is tossed by Sandman, as a melee ensues in the ring. Umaga dumps out Shad, while the crowd chants for Hacksaw. Kennedy works on Cody Rhodes, while Daivari saves Carlito from elimination by Val Venis. We go to commercial mid-action...
We come back from commercial with all wrestlers ganging up on Umaga, with the exception of Carlito, standing back and watching it unfold. Everyone gives up, as Umaga throws out Rory of the Highlanders. Val Venis eliminates Lance Cade and begins to work on Umaga, only to get knocked out by the Samoan Bulldozer. Sandman eliminates both Kendrick and Umaga! Kennedy is tossed by Carlito, as Carlito and Shelton eliminate Hacksaw. Sandman, Carlito, Shelton, and Cody are the final four. Awesome back elbow by Cody, who nearly eliminates Carlito, but gets nowhere as Carlito crawls away. Carlito then starts on Sandman, racking him on the ropes and then pounding him with boots. Cody works on Shelton with fists of fury. Big boot by Shelton knocks down Cody, while Sandman and Carlito brawl back and forth. Big dropkick by Carlito on Sandman, and both men are down. Carlito back up now, while Cody hits Shelton with a polish hammer. Shelton nearly eliminates Cody, but cody saves himself. Benjamin kicks Cody in the head, and Carlito takes advantage of it, tossing Cody out. Now Carlito and Sandman battle on the top rope, but Sandman fights carlito off. Benjamin then jumps to the top rope and superplexes him down to the mat. Carlito and Shelton battle on the apron, and the Sandman eliminates both! Sandman has done it! But wait, William Regal crawls out from under the ring, removes his boot, smashes Sandman over the head, and tosses the ECW legend, proclaiming himself the Winner! It's official, William Regal is the new General Manager of Monday Night Raw.
Coach is in the back, complaining the Regal is not even an American, and will make a horrible GM. Vince then scoffs at the Congressional Committee's investigation of the WWE. Vince mistakes Benjamin Franklin for a president, is called out by Coach, and after Vince rambling about Barney Fife, declares Coach as Regal's new assistant.
Todd Grisham stands by with Queen Sharmel and King Booker. Booker says that Triple H is no King; he's a phony. He says his opponent tonight, Jerome Lawler, is a phony as well. Booker T announces a celebration next week at Madison Square Garden, where the loser tonight will place a crown up tonight's winner's head. Booker assures us the Jerome Lawler will be vanquished tonight, and lay at the feet of King Booker next week. Best Booker promo ever...
Snitsky v. Rory
Squash city. Rory gets a quick kick, but gets leveled by a clothesline. Rory is out. Pumphandle slam by Snitsky, and this one is over. Robbie attends to Rory as Snitsky broods on the way back up the ramp.
Your Winner: Snitsky
Vince is talking to a bald guy named Brian about having a bald head. Coach says Regal is in the shower, but he has a cell phone call that Vince should take, from the WWE accountant, George. Vince tells George to let them audit everything and hangs up the phone. Coach asks what it was about, as Vince says the IRS is investigating him. The media will have a field day with this, says Vince, blowing the story out of proportion. VKM declares that the difference between the News Media and the WWE is absolutely nothing; both are entertainment. Vince shakes his head about the IRS and leaves. Irwin R. Scheister is seen behind him, reading the Wall Street Journal.
We come back from the commercial break for the weekly Diva's match. Jillian says that tonight we celebrate Summerslam tonight. Jillian asks Lilian Garcia about her new album coming out in the fall. Jillian says nobody wants to hear Lilian sing, they want to hear her sing, as she busts out with a horrible tune. She's interrupted by Mickie James, who gets a rather large pop. Jerome Lawler's ears are bleeding.
Mickie James v. Jillian Hall
Jillian starts off, dragging Mickie by the hair, and pounding her against mat and turnbuckle alike. Arm stretch by Jillian, as Mickie screams in pain, but flips Jillian over. Mickie nails Jillian with a headscissors takedown, followed by two clotheslines, and a lou thesz press. Big neckbreaker by Mickie, as Jillian kicks out after a 2 count. Mickie with a rollup, but Jillian kicks out again. 2 big kicks by Mickie James, as Mickie goes to the top rope. Jillian gets out of the way, then hits Mickie with a cheap shot. Jillian gets behind Mickie, locks in a full nelson, and slams Mickie face first into the mat. ouch Jillian gets the win, staring at Lilian as she celebrates her upset victory.
Your Winner: Jillian Hall
Carlito picks up the mic to a sea of jeers. He says that some people think Carlito has no "juevos," but he's not afraid of anybody. He says that things went so well last week, that the same guest is back this week, and introduces John Cena. Cena's music hits, and the Champ is here in Buffalo. Cena throws his hat down and gets in Carlito's face, staring him down. He takes the mic, and pushes Carlito down into the Cabana chair. Cena welcomes us to Carlito's cabana. He says last we he was just a guest, but tonight, Carlito has allowed him to host "Cena's Cabana." Cena says that Huey Lewis and the News will be here, but tonight, the first guest is himself, current WWE Champ, John Cena. Cena interviews himself, and asks how he's feeling. Cena says he's pretty pissed off, because last week some punk spit apple in his face, and it's time to do something about it. Cena says to roll the clip from last week, when Cena lost to Carlito after Orton's interference. John asks himself who was the metrosexual in the video, and answers himself, "That was Randy Orton," who at Summerslam believes he will be the next WWE Champion.
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The Boogeyman grabs some worms and feeds them to Guilmette. Matt Striker comes out with a microphone. Striker calls Boogeyman some smart words and tells him to get out of his life. Striker distracts Boogeyman as Big Daddy V attacks Boogeyman from behind and nails a running splash into the corner. Big Daddy V nails a samoan drop and lands three big elbow drops as Matt sings his praises.
