John Cena vs. Umaga: WWE RAW Results, 8-6-07

The following report is courtesy of lordsofpain.net...

We begin rather abruptly, as McMahon is back, his gray hair shining, as Jonathan Coachman approaches him and tells him how he's glad the boss is back. VKM wants all superstars under contract in the ring when they go live. Tonight, VKM decides to exercise his freedom of expression, as is his right as a citizen of the United States.

All Superstars, including WWE Divas, Jobbers, and Champions make their way to the ring. (John Cena and Randy Orton aren't anywhere to be seen). "No Chance" starts, and Vince arrives at the ramp, doing the all familiar power strut. Vince says he has a lot to say tonight, but he won't mince words. We should begin where we left off when he was "blown to smithereens." A clip plays reviewing that incident, two months ago. Vince says that's how he wants to go out, in a blaze of glory, and it almost happened. He says he did it because he needed to know whether or not the people really cared about him, because he's a sensitive human being, and needs positive reinforcement. He said he was overwhelmed by the support. A "What" chant breaks out. Vince says he will address the United States Congress tonight, as well as the hypocracy of the news media, his immediate family, and all of the wrestlers.

Coach then comes out as Vince begins to speak to the wrestlers. Vince calls Coach out for being late. Vince says in a moment, the bell will ring, and we're going to have an old fashioned Battle Royale. The winner of the Battle Royale will become the new General Manager of Raw!

Battle Royale to determine the new GM of Raw
The battle starts off as the WWE Divas get out of town quickly. Trevor Murdoch, Super Crazy, Robbie, and Paul London get eliminated, followed by JTG. Booker is tossed by Sandman, as a melee ensues in the ring. Umaga dumps out Shad, while the crowd chants for Hacksaw. Kennedy works on Cody Rhodes, while Daivari saves Carlito from elimination by Val Venis. We go to commercial mid-action...

We come back from commercial with all wrestlers ganging up on Umaga, with the exception of Carlito, standing back and watching it unfold. Everyone gives up, as Umaga throws out Rory of the Highlanders. Val Venis eliminates Lance Cade and begins to work on Umaga, only to get knocked out by the Samoan Bulldozer. Sandman eliminates both Kendrick and Umaga! Kennedy is tossed by Carlito, as Carlito and Shelton eliminate Hacksaw. Sandman, Carlito, Shelton, and Cody are the final four. Awesome back elbow by Cody, who nearly eliminates Carlito, but gets nowhere as Carlito crawls away. Carlito then starts on Sandman, racking him on the ropes and then pounding him with boots. Cody works on Shelton with fists of fury. Big boot by Shelton knocks down Cody, while Sandman and Carlito brawl back and forth. Big dropkick by Carlito on Sandman, and both men are down. Carlito back up now, while Cody hits Shelton with a polish hammer. Shelton nearly eliminates Cody, but cody saves himself. Benjamin kicks Cody in the head, and Carlito takes advantage of it, tossing Cody out. Now Carlito and Sandman battle on the top rope, but Sandman fights carlito off. Benjamin then jumps to the top rope and superplexes him down to the mat. Carlito and Shelton battle on the apron, and the Sandman eliminates both! Sandman has done it! But wait, William Regal crawls out from under the ring, removes his boot, smashes Sandman over the head, and tosses the ECW legend, proclaiming himself the Winner! It's official, William Regal is the new General Manager of Monday Night Raw.

Coach is in the back, complaining the Regal is not even an American, and will make a horrible GM. Vince then scoffs at the Congressional Committee's investigation of the WWE. Vince mistakes Benjamin Franklin for a president, is called out by Coach, and after Vince rambling about Barney Fife, declares Coach as Regal's new assistant.

Todd Grisham stands by with Queen Sharmel and King Booker. Booker says that Triple H is no King; he's a phony. He says his opponent tonight, Jerome Lawler, is a phony as well. Booker T announces a celebration next week at Madison Square Garden, where the loser tonight will place a crown up tonight's winner's head. Booker assures us the Jerome Lawler will be vanquished tonight, and lay at the feet of King Booker next week. Best Booker promo ever...

Snitsky v. Rory
Squash city. Rory gets a quick kick, but gets leveled by a clothesline. Rory is out. Pumphandle slam by Snitsky, and this one is over. Robbie attends to Rory as Snitsky broods on the way back up the ramp.
Your Winner: Snitsky

Vince is talking to a bald guy named Brian about having a bald head. Coach says Regal is in the shower, but he has a cell phone call that Vince should take, from the WWE accountant, George. Vince tells George to let them audit everything and hangs up the phone. Coach asks what it was about, as Vince says the IRS is investigating him. The media will have a field day with this, says Vince, blowing the story out of proportion. VKM declares that the difference between the News Media and the WWE is absolutely nothing; both are entertainment. Vince shakes his head about the IRS and leaves. Irwin R. Scheister is seen behind him, reading the Wall Street Journal.

We come back from the commercial break for the weekly Diva's match. Jillian says that tonight we celebrate Summerslam tonight. Jillian asks Lilian Garcia about her new album coming out in the fall. Jillian says nobody wants to hear Lilian sing, they want to hear her sing, as she busts out with a horrible tune. She's interrupted by Mickie James, who gets a rather large pop. Jerome Lawler's ears are bleeding.

Mickie James v. Jillian Hall
Jillian starts off, dragging Mickie by the hair, and pounding her against mat and turnbuckle alike. Arm stretch by Jillian, as Mickie screams in pain, but flips Jillian over. Mickie nails Jillian with a headscissors takedown, followed by two clotheslines, and a lou thesz press. Big neckbreaker by Mickie, as Jillian kicks out after a 2 count. Mickie with a rollup, but Jillian kicks out again. 2 big kicks by Mickie James, as Mickie goes to the top rope. Jillian gets out of the way, then hits Mickie with a cheap shot. Jillian gets behind Mickie, locks in a full nelson, and slams Mickie face first into the mat. ouch Jillian gets the win, staring at Lilian as she celebrates her upset victory.
Your Winner: Jillian Hall

Carlito picks up the mic to a sea of jeers. He says that some people think Carlito has no "juevos," but he's not afraid of anybody. He says that things went so well last week, that the same guest is back this week, and introduces John Cena. Cena's music hits, and the Champ is here in Buffalo. Cena throws his hat down and gets in Carlito's face, staring him down. He takes the mic, and pushes Carlito down into the Cabana chair. Cena welcomes us to Carlito's cabana. He says last we he was just a guest, but tonight, Carlito has allowed him to host "Cena's Cabana." Cena says that Huey Lewis and the News will be here, but tonight, the first guest is himself, current WWE Champ, John Cena. Cena interviews himself, and asks how he's feeling. Cena says he's pretty pissed off, because last week some punk spit apple in his face, and it's time to do something about it. Cena says to roll the clip from last week, when Cena lost to Carlito after Orton's interference. John asks himself who was the metrosexual in the video, and answers himself, "That was Randy Orton," who at Summerslam believes he will be the next WWE Champion.

Cena says he has a message for Randy Orton, that the Champ is here. Cena asks the crowd to give it up for John Cena, but it's time for his favorite time on Cena's Cabana: the top three list. This week's top three: "The Top Three Reasons Cena should Trash the Cabana Tonight."

Reason 3, the coconuts are the only nuts Carlito will ever have
reason 2, in real life Carlito doesn't like apples, he'd rather swallow a banana
and Reason 1, because that, my friend, is cool.

Cena decks Carlito and tears him apart. Orton interferes, goes for the RKO, but gets pushed away by Cena. Orton scatters from the ring, as Carlito gets an FU by Cena. Regal's music hits, and he announces that as his first act as new GM, Cena will get the fight he's looking for, but Orton and Carlito must decide which of them will face Cena tonight.

After the break, Regal is in the back with Orton and Carlito. Orton says that Carlito beat Cena last week. Orton also says that he'll face Cena at Summerslam. Carlito says that the two of them have decided that Cena will face Umaga tonight. Regal seems pleased with this decision. Orton and Carlito leave, and Vince is then seen in the room with them. Vince tells Regal about the lack of action by his family after his "demise." Vince says that he needs to find a way to bring his family back together. Vince says that he feels good about it and that nothing can stop it from happening.

Back in the ring, Lillian announces that the winner of the next match will be crowned by the loser in a special coronation next week. King Booker's music hits, and the Champion of Champions makes his way to the ring with Queen Sharmel. Booker is looking rather determined tonight. Jerome Lawler's music hits, and the King of Memphis comes out for this match.

King Booker vs. Jerome "The King" Lawler
The crowd starts a "Jerry" chant, as the two men size each other up. They lock in a collar-elbow tie up, which Booker uses to get Lawler into the corner. Booker breaks the hold, rather cheaply, and starts to try and beat down Lawler, who fights back, and wins a toe to toe battle with Booker. Booker rolls out of the ring, recoups, and gets back in, quickly locking in a hammer lock on Lawler. Lawler fights out, and reverses, but Booker counters out. Lawler manages to get Booker into the corner, and starts to pound away, but stops before he is DQed. Booker hits a cheapshot, and takes full advantage. He starts pounding Lawler with rights, but Lawler soon rebounds, and manages to knock Booker to the outside. Lawler stands too close to the ropes, and Booker brings Lawler's throat across the top rope. Booker slides back into the ring, and lands a nice high kick to the face. After beating on Lawler a little more, Booker lands another high kick, and gets a two count. Booker locks in an overhand wrist lock, but Lawler powers out. Lawler fights back, and tries a dropkick, but Booker brushes him away. Booker starts kicking a downed Lawler, and covers, but Lawler kicks out at two. Booker quickly locks in a chin lock, but Lawler again starts to power out. Booker starts hitting Lawler before he can get an offense going, but misses the scissors kick. Lawler comes back with rights, but Booker manages to knock him to the outside. After a quick scuffle on the outside, Lawler gets Booker back in the ring, but is momentarily distracted by Sharmel. As Lawler re-enters the ring, Booker hits the scissors kick and this one is over.
Your Winner: King Booker

We come back to a promo recapping Lashley's injury at the hands of Kennedy last week. After the recap, JR announces that tomorrow, Lashley will see Dr. James Andrews for a torn rotator cuff injury. Kennedy's music hits. The mic drops and Kennedy asks a quick question. Do you know what Bobby Lashley is hearing right now? Because it's actually something that everyone, including Lashley, will be hearing from now on: "KENNEDY KENNEDY KENNEDY KENNEDY KENNEDY KENNEDY KENNEDY KENNNNNEEEEDDDYYYYY!!!" and we cut to a commercial during that last Kennedy, making that 9 "Kennedies" this week.

Now, it's time for the WWE Dating game.

William Regal is in the ring, bringing us the dating game. The crowd is booing. The available bachelors are Hacksaw, who is in a lovely polyester suit, and takes off his wedding ring, and says he's got his suit, his tie, and a massive piece of wood. The second bachelor loves drinking, gambling, and a limited vocabulary. Please welcome Ron Simmons! Simmons give the "Damn," and Regal scoffs that he didn't see that coming. The third and final bachelor was brutalized by Umaga last week worse than he brutalizes the English language: Santino Marella. Marella says he's in a lot of pain. (umm, okay, thanks for the info, guy...) Regal announces tonight's contestant, Maria.

Here's how the gameshow went:

Bachelor number 1: Maria loves a manners. How will he be a gentlemen? Hacksaw says he won't call her a "Hooooooo."
Bachelor number 2: Maria loves a man with a good heart. If he cooked her breakfast in bed, what would he make? Simmons yells "Spam!"
Bachelor number 3: Maria doesn't finish the question, because Marella announces that it's him, and everyone wants to see them together. Maria says its the worst Marella impression ever, and moves on to the next question.
Bachelor number 2: Maria is against all wars. What war would you stop in history? Simmons says "'Nam!"
Bachelor number 1: Marella interrupts the question, complains that everyone else is talking loud, and they don't love puppies like Maria does. Hacksaw tells Marella to go back to Italy, because he's in the USA. They begin arguing, and Regal tells them to shut up, and to cut to the chase. Maria is asked which wrestler she would like to go out with. The crowd boos Hacksaw, pops for Ron, and gives big heat for Marella. Maria says she's a sucker for strong and silent, so she picks bachelor number 2, Ron Simmons! They celebrate, but Marella interrupts, calling Ron a creep, but Ron tells Marella to "Scram!" Marella says he's not going to talk to him like that, and that he and Maria are going to leave arm in arm, and no one can stop him. Umaga's music hits, and he comes down to face pops. Marella takes off running through the crowd.
Umaga begins trashing the dating game set, and we'll have our main event after this commercial break!

John Cena v. Umaga
Umaga goes for Cena, but Cena ducks and nails him with a couple of right hands. Umaga grabs Cena and plants him into the turnbuckle. Umaga gives Cena a few knife-edged chops and pounds away on Cena's face. Umaga performs a strong irish whip that drives Cena into the mat after hitting the turnbuckle. A headbutt by Umaga, and Cena is struggling to stay in this match. Umaga follows up with two nasty shoulderblocks. On the third shoulderblock attempt, Cena dodges the third, kicks Umaga in the stomach, and then hit the ropes into a blockbuster. It didn't phase Umaga, who bounced right back up and nailed a spinning heel kick on John Cena. AFter a commercial break, Umaga has Cena in a shoulder nerve pinch, and Cena is fading away. The grimace on Cena's face shows that he's in a lot of pain here. Cena tries to power out of it several times, and finally gets to his feet. Cena dodges a punch by Umaga and puts Umaga in the FU. Cena, weakened by the previous assault, falls face first with Umaga crushing Cena's head underneath his falling girth.

Umaga pounds on Cena with big right hands, putting Cena on the apron. Cena counters with a neck snap against the ropes, climbs to the top rope, and goes for a cross body from the top rope. Umaga catches Cena, and delivers a NASTY sidewalk-slam. Umaga climbs to the ropes, and misses a flying headbutt. Cena hops up and locks in the STFU. As he's putting the bulldozer to sleep, Carlito and Orton appear and begin mugging the Champ. Cena is in the corner sitting down, as Orton calls for the buttsmash. Umaga attacks Orton! Umaga attacks Carlito! FACE TURN ALERT! FACE TURN ALERT! Umaga puts Carlito into the corner, sets up for the buttsmash, but Carlito gets out of the way. Regal's music hits, and announces next week, from MSG, it will be Orton and Carlito against John Cena and Umaga! Upon hearing this news, Cena charges Orton and Umaga charges Carlito.

Vince is in the back walking talking to the talent, and he walks out the door, mirroring what happened when his car blew up two months ago. This time, Vince looks extra cautious. He approaches the limo and hesitates, but eventually opens the back door and steps in. Coach runs out and stops Vince McMahon. Coach begs McMahon to read the summons, but McMahon asks Coach to just tell him what it's about. Apparently, The State of Connecticut is charging Vince McMahon with a paternity suit for a child that he sired. Apparently there's another member of the McMahon Family running around out there somewhere. Vince shakes his head as Raw comes to a close.