The Think Tank: Wrestlemania 23 Countdown is On

By Pete Ellis

I know what you're thinking. Here sits another self-indulgent sports entertainment journalist shoving his two cents down our throats. JUST WHAT WE NEED!

But listen, kids. I tried - I really tried - not to write some predictable, pedantic, self-indulgent, half-baked, plagiarized, zero-hour rant about how great Wrestlemania is.

There's just no denying it, though. This is the best of pro wrestling, and the WWE has managed to assemble a card I can't help getting pumped about. Even a cynic like me has to appreciate this lineup.

The Good:

• John Cena/Shawn Michaels
• The biggest "money in the bank" match ever
• JR and Jerry Lawler in the hall of fame
• Lashley/Umaga, expecting huge surprises
• Looking forward to the first WWE RAW afterwards: the end of a chapter, the beginning of a new one

The Bad:

• Metal hooks that won't get used
• WWE Divas who aren't ready to wrestle
• Injuries, guys who need some time off
• Every old fart being described as "hardcore before there was hardcore"

The Ugly:

• Improvisational endings
• Bald billionaires
• Guest celebrities
• The Great Khali

Things to Have:

• A decent TV and a reliable cable hook-up
• Four hours worth of beer, soda, pizza, and assorted junk food
• Neighbors who can stand a little ruckus between 7-11 p.m. on a Sunday night
• An understanding girlfriend

Things to Remember:

• Ordering the event usually entitles you to a second viewing at midnight. If you missed it the first time, it's probably worth watching again.
• Girls come and girls go, but you'll never forgive yourself if you miss the main event. If she truly loves you, she'll go away while the pay per view is on.
• Winning 20 bucks off of your best friend for an underdog pick is reason enough to run naked through the front yard. Anyone worth a crap will know "what all that damn noise is"

Things to expect:

• Victory from Cena, Randy Orton, and The Undertaker
• Cheating from Vince
• Jim Ross getting hoarse
• Having a damn good time

Look for my next article the week after Wrestlemania; we'll have a little mock draft just in case Vince gets any crazy ideas. Until then, thanks for reading, and enjoy the show!